A Dude Playing a Chick Pretending to be Another Chick

18 years ago in High Castle of High Dale, in the governor’s house (only barely better furnished than the common folk’s for such a small town), a group of teenagers have gathered to play some sort of game…

‘Right’, said the apparent leader of the group; a boy in fairly expensive looking clothes and a cloak slightly too large for him, bearing a pin with the symbol of his father, lord of High Castle.  He took his position at head of the kitchen table after picking up a stack of parchment from the floor. ‘Are we ready?’
‘Give us a moment, Magnus’, said a boy who looked considerably older than the others, his ears slightly pointed demonstrating him to be a half-elf.  He pulled a stool up to the table, sat, and took a scrap of parchment out of his pocket, smoothing it out on the table.
‘Yeah the girls ain’t even here yet’, said another, this boy covered in dirt, looking like he’d just come off the fields.  He was raiding the kitchen cupboards, picking out a cup, a pepper mill, and similarly sized objects.
‘Ugh’, sighed Magnus, slouching back in his chair.  He looked up at the exposed wooden beams of the roof as he shouted to the world in general ‘Come oooooon, hurry up!’
‘Yeees, lord Magnus’, came a sarcastic reply from the doorway accompanied by a snigger.  Side by side two girls walked in; they mockingly curtseyed simultaneously before both laughing at Magnus’ annoyance.  The taller blonde haired girl moved with elegance as she pulled the only other chair up to the table, whilst the one with the unkempt auburn hair lazily pulled up a stool with one hand, sat on it and rested her feet on the last remaining stool.
‘Hey get your muddy boots off, Sabine!’ cried the boy with an armful of various kitchen utensils, ‘That’s where I’m sitting!’
Sabine stared at the boy with a smile, simply kicking her boots off whilst keeping her feet on the stool, dried mud scattering across the floor.  The other girl covered her mouth as she laughed as the boy forcibly put Sabine’s feet on the floor and wiped off his seat.
‘If you’re done…’ said Magnus, passing a sheet of parchment to the girl that wasn’t Sabine, ‘then we can finally begi- wait a minute.  Becky has her sheet, Xander has his…’
‘Right’, said Sabine, picking up her boot and shaking a scrap of parchment out of it.
‘You keep your sheet in your shoe?’ asked Xander, the half-elf.  Sabine shrugged.  ‘For some reason girls clothes don’t have pockets.  More importantly,’ Sabine dramatically turned her head to the other boy, ‘where’s Jake’s?’
‘Er… The dog ate it?’ Jake answered unconvincingly.
‘You don’t even have a dog’ said Becky, flatly.
‘It doesn’t matter!’ snapped Magnus, slamming his fist on the table,’We’ll improvise!  That’s what this game’s all about!’
The table fell silent, as Magnus took in a deep breath.
‘Right…’

‘We left off with you all in the Mermaid’s Clam’.
Sabine stifled a laugh as Magnus shot an annoyed glance at her.  He started reading from one of his pieces of parchment.
‘In the surprisingly well decorated tavern, two figures approach you.  “Where are the rest of you?” the female asks.  “I think you are confused, sister, they have not met us yet” the male says.  “Oh sorry brother, time can be such a confusing concept.”  “Actually I do not think this is a matter of time, I think we have found ourselves in a different narrative all together.”  The male looks you directly in the eye.  “Hello Bethany.  Liam.  Sarah.  Dan.”  He looks back to the female, “Probably not Isaac, he’s dyslexic you know”.’
Magnus’ brow furrowed as the others looked at him in confusion.  He carefully inspected the parchment in his hands before scrunching it into a ball and throwing it at Becky.
‘Have you been tampering with my notes?? Keep your crappy girly fiction away from my stuff!’
Becky looked at the others with bewilderment as Magnus continued.
‘As I was saying… You’re in the Mermaid’s Clam tavern, where there are a couple of patrons.  What do you do?’
‘I ask the patrons about the gnome’, Xander said.
‘OK, being the barbarian you’ll have a penalty to your charisma but you try asking regardless.  The responses you get are mostly about how the gnome’s been gathering ancient knowledge for use in some sort of ritual, something to do with using the empowered magic of Netheril to summon a horrible creature.’
‘Not good’ said Jake.
‘Agreed’ said Becky.  The group turned to Sabine who looked either deep in thought or completely disinterested; it was often hard to tell.
‘…Whilst the guy’s distracted, can I pick his pocket?’

A couple of hours passed.  The kitchen utensils had been moved about the table to represent the characters, and were currently in a formation facing a conspicuously large empty spot on the table.  During this time Jake had somehow acquired a plate of chicken, Xander was practically asleep, Becky was maintaining her noble posture whilst Sabine was resting her head on Becky’s shoulder, and Magnus had his head in his hands.
‘Jake can we pleeeeease stop talking about the golem with the four swords?’ he said, ‘We’re almost done, I want to finish this today…’
‘I’m just saying, I get he was part human, but then why was he coughing when he clearly didn’t have lungs?’
‘Enough!’ Magnus slammed his hands on the table. ‘You made it through the plane of Mechanus, and are now in front of the gnome you’ve been tracking.  He barely acknowledges you entering as he’s poring over a spellbook.  Jake, you recognise it as your spellbook that YOU LOST.’
‘Not my fault I forgot my sheet’ Jake muttered under his breath.
‘The gnome speaks: ‘It’s too late, idiots, I have all the pieces I need right here!  With the combination of Netheril magic and the secrets of golem manufacturing from the automated factories of Mechanus I will be able to empower the Body of War spell in ways never dreamed possible!  And then YOU will bear witness to the time that I, Charles ‘The Newt’ Luminaire, single handedly killed the Tarrasque! The mythical unstoppable monster that entire armies have only managed to put to sleep!  And not only that, but it was in a suit so masterfully worked by the perfect combination of spells it is as though it was fashioned by the Gods themselves!  All that remains is to summon the terrible beast itself!’ and with that, the gnome starts to read from his spellbook.  The room darkens as an eerie green spark dances across the ground.  The entire room then starts to tremble as a crack seems to appear in the fabric of reality itself, opening up to a cosmic maelstrom from which a pair of huge horns begin to emerge!’
Magnus looked at his players around the table, eager to see their excitement.  Xander had raised his head slightly, though his eyes were bloodshot with tiredness.  Jake looked like he was paying attention but was still munching on a drumstick.  Sabine had her hand raised as though she had been puppeting Magnus’ words, and was now looking at Magnus slightly wide-eyed as though she’d been caught in the act.  Becky was smiling at Magnus intently, but was clearly holding her lips tightly shut to stifle a laugh.  Magnus simply shook his head dismissively and resumed his dramatic storytelling.
‘The mighty Tarrasque begins to raise its head out of the portal, a grotesque snort coming from its’
‘I cast Miracle’, interrupted Becky.
‘…Nostrils.  Wait, what?!’ said Magnus with indignation.
‘I said I cast Miracle’, repeated Becky.  ‘I learnt it last level.  I get to ask the Gods one wish right?’
Sabine suddenly perked up, leaning forward with her head in her hands, a huge grin on her face.  ‘Hah, brilliant!  What now, Charlie-boy?’
‘Um,’ said Magnus, flustered, ‘you… you do know it costs experience right? It’ll make you weaker!’
‘I know,’ nodded Becky, ‘but I think it’s worth it to stop a portal opening to wherever it is the Tarrasque comes from and relying on a deranged gnome to save the cosmos’.
‘But… But…’ Magnus’ eyes darted around the table for help, but it was clear there was none to be found.  He looked dejected as he raised his hands to rub his eyes.  ‘Fine. OK.  Whatever.  What do you say?’
Becky cleared her throat and closed her eyes in thought.
‘I know I am a servant of Ilmater, but I offer this as a plea to whichever deity may be listening.  Grant me the ability to stop this pathetic little creature’s lust for power, and in doing so may he suffer judgment for the pain and suffering he has brought unto others, that no others may be hurt by his hand again.  In payment for this Miracle I offer my body and soul, such is my desire’.
Becky opened her eyes and smiled as Sabine applauded.  The boys simply watched to see what would happen, as Magnus lowered his arms, interlocking his fingers and stretching them in frustration.
‘Not bad, sis.  Very heartfelt.  If there were any Gods able to help, poor Charles would just have a sudden heart attack or something right now before he could finish the summoning.  But you know what?’ Magnus looked at Becky with a slightly psychotic smile, and his voice took on a mocking sing-song tone. ‘It didn’t work.  You know why? Because this is my game, and that makes ME God! I’M the one in CONTROL here, NOT YOU!! Always with that STUPID. POLITE. SMILE ON YOUR FACE and… and… YOUR OBNOXIOUS LACKEY FOLLOWING YOU AROUND!!!’
There was stunned silence around the table as Magnus lowered his voice, though it still had a frantic edge to it.  ‘You know what? Not only did your stupid spell not work, but you see this teapot? Yeah, that’s the Tarrasque, but now it’s not gonna be a teapot, it’s gonna be… this!’ Magnus suddenly stood up, marched over to a slop bucket, and threw it at the table spilling its contents everywhere.  ‘There, are you happy now?? The teapot’s a bucket now!  You just summoned a bucket!  A, a, Dire Tarrasque!!  And uh-oh, looks like it’s too big for the battle area, and who’s that in the way at the front?’ he said as he picked up the pepper pot, ‘Oh it’s Becky’s character!  Oh well, guess you died.  Bye-bye Becky!’ he exclaimed as he threw the pepper pot over his shoulder.  Becky’s lip began to tremble in upset terror, as the boys had slowly started shifting themselves away from the table.  Magnus sat back down in his chair, clearing the table with a sweep of his arm in one final burst of anger.
‘Dude, what in the Hells is wrong with you? Come on Becky, let’s go.’ said Sabine, standing up and helping Becky out of her chair.  She looked back over her shoulder at Magnus who was wide-eyed, pulling at his hair, staring at his ruined notes.  ‘You’re a gods-damned psycho, man…’
Once Sabine and Becky had left, Xander was next to leave.  He gave a bow of respect to Magnus before simply saying ‘You’re a dick.’ and exiting.
Jake hung around in awkward silence for a moment before trying to approach Magnus, attempting a reassuring pat on the back. ‘Er… for what it’s worth, I thought that whole bit with the portal and stuff was pretty cool.  Er, sorry it got screwed up?’
Magnus gave a slight nod, and Jake hurried after the others.
‘My campaign… ruined… All my plans… I’m supposed to be the one with the power… They’re supposed to do what I say…’ Magnus said, tears beginning to fall to the parchment below.

A Happy Family

Excerpt from Sabine’s journal, the night the party arrived in Chandlerscross.  There are crumbs between the pages, and the last page is stained with tears.

---

 

My head is spinning…

We’re currently in Chandlerscross, staying with Arosea’s aunt and uncle.  I’ve only met the uncle so far, but he seems nice.  Then again, they are Halflings so it’s to be expected.

It’s been a long day, and I’ve felt out of sorts through most of it.  As we left Feather Falls, whatever entity we encountered in those mines has made it clear to us that it won’t be forgetting us any time soon.  According to Arosea, there were hundreds of these ethereal beings blocking our way, yet the rest of us couldn’t see them.  That being said, Jessie was clearly feeling nauseous and I knew something had been watching me for a while… Lasslyn was, of course, as oblivious as ever.  Considering the ordeal that Arosea went through in Feather Falls, we would have been fools to ignore her.  I attempted to remove her fear, which may have calmed her nerves but didn’t change the fact she could still see the figures and they were getting closer, apparently detecting us through vibrations as we walked.  Jessie had the idea of sending the horses as a distraction… Not a terrible idea, though it made sense to send just one and see what happened.  We sent Arosea’s, as she has Mag the dog to ride.  It was at that moment Jessie became overwhelmed by his nausea and started vomiting violently, unfortunately out of my control as my daily spells had been prepared for fighting the creature from the mine- just in case.  I kept a careful eye on the pony to see what happened to it; to see if these threats were real or imagined.  What I saw… let’s just say the threat was definitely real.  We all knew turning back wouldn’t be an option, as like in the mine we would have to force our way through sooner or later.  I prepared my Light of Lunia in the hopes of deterring them, though how I would aim at something I could not see is anyone’s guess… I don’t know if I was affected by getting too close to them, but the next few moments are hazy.  We managed to get past by making a distraction, but something about it still feels wrong to me… like it was too easy.

The next few hours were uneventful, and we soon arrived at the gates to Chandlerscross, met by a horde of restless peasants.  A border control had apparently been set up, prohibiting access to the city even to residents.  No-one could tell us why, simply that if we required passage we would have to join the queue, and so that is what we did.  Now I’m no stranger to queuing, being patron to a god of suffering.  The others have less patience though.  Jessie and Arosea were both trying to get the attention of passing guards to find out what was happening, but to no avail.  Even to me the queue was taking an unnaturally long time though… I asked the gentlemen in front of us how long they had been waiting and they said hours.  Despite their exasperation I detected no hint of a lie.

Eventually, Jessie managed to get the attention of a fresh-faced guard who seemed softer than the ones we’d previously encountered.  The guard apologised for the wait but still had no intention of giving us reason for the delay or any preferential treatment.  It was at that moment I heard a tiny voice saying ‘big bwother, my feet hurt…’.  Almost instinctively I reached down to pet the child, saying ‘there there, not long now’.  I’m not sure at what point I realised it was Arosea I was petting, but we were clearly getting some sympathy from the guard so I continued the act.  Even Lasslyn was making some attempt to get involved; I know we needed to proceed as a party, and same-sex couples are not unheard of in Faerun, but a human cleric and a dwarf barbarian might stretch the imagination, especially ones that have apparently adopted a halfling girl and a human that looks barely 5 years younger than one of his apparent mothers…  Nevertheless, the naive guard was touched and went to find a superior to see if he could speed things up for us.  The stern faced guard that returned obviously saw straight through our flimsy charade, though Arosea tried to keep it up as long as possible, hiding behind Jessie.  Thankfully the man was willing to listen to our case, and on being presented the letters bearing the seals of the previous dales he led us to the front office, explaining on the way that Chandlerscross had fallen victim to quite severe gang violence of late, so the border control was an attempt to keep out gang members and keep the townspeople safe.  As we had important business we were moved to the front of the queue… where we would be subject to a strip search.

We were led past the partition one by one, to give us some privacy, so we couldn’t hear much of each other’s experiences which would definitely be for the best.  Arosea was first, and apparently made it through without incident.  Next was Jessie, and I swear I heard a gasp but was too nervous to give it much thought; perhaps the rumours of ‘bardic charisma’ are true?  I was in no hurry to be inspected, so allowed Lasslyn to pass next.  I could quite clearly hear her loud boasting of ‘I got this scar in ___’ and ‘oh, that scar was from ___’.  Pretty sure when she got through I also heard a cry of ‘who’s been touching my sword?!’

My turn.  Deep breath, and wish I’d prepared more than one Remove Fear for the day… I entered the office.  ‘Anything to declare?’ ‘Um, no?’ I say as I nervously fondle the ring on my hand…  The inspector appeared to notice my nervousness, and much to my relief he said with an unchanging expression ‘very well, you may pass.  I won’t subject a woman of the cloth to an embarrassing breach of her modesty’.  I must have had an expression of wide-eyed shock on reaching the other side, but the others seemed too relieved with their own safe passage to notice.  We continued.

‘Chandlerscross is a clean, modern city with the most competent city watch of the dalelands, free from corruption’.  That’s the description I’d heard from travellers.  I was already having doubts on that latter statement based on my hassle-free entry, but still wasn’t prepared for the sight of graffiti everywhere, vandalised buildings, and most notably the defaced statue in the center of town proclaiming the rise of the ‘Silver Needle’.  Arosea being the one of us that had some familiarity with this town seemed equally concerned based on her fixed smile, but she quickly snapped out of it, telling us to follow her to her family’s place.  And here we are, what would be a nice little tearoom were it not for the sounds of screams and shouts.

…Apparently Arosea hadn’t seen her family in years.  The events of the day had already taken their toll on me, so I attempted to find a quiet area where I could watch the happy reunion quietly.  I was offered a slice of cake, but apparently there was a crack in my composure as I was asked if I was feeling alright.  I tried to smile but excused myself for my ‘evening prayers’.  I don’t know how long I was gone for, but on coming back downstairs I noticed my cake had gone, with a trail of crumbs leading to Lasslyn.  There was apparently a commotion outside, some sort of vigilante or something… I can’t deal with this right now, and I don’t think my companions can either.

Even now, in the back of my mind it feels as though I’m being watched.  I sincerely hope that it’s just my thoughts of Rebecca…

Savage Species: A Supplement to the Tempus Sigilian

Everyone’s talking about The Guild who Stopped the Murders- but who exactly are they??

Hello darlings and welcome to this week’s Savage Species, in which your humble harpy friend Letitia has her ear to the ground and her eye in the sky to bring you all the latest news on the notable figures of Sigilian society.  This week’s all been about a new guild in town, the ones who shockingly put an end to Baron Erenveir’s reign of terror.  The guild is as yet unnamed, but rumour has it they’re calling themselves ‘The Bounty Hunters Guild’; a bold and practical name but could there perhaps be more to it? Did someone take out a bounty on the Baron??  Time will tell, but for now, just who are the members of this guild?

To begin with we have their Guildmaster, a mysterious human known simply as ‘Ro’.  Now in my experience, humans have interesting hard to pronounce names like ‘Justin’ and ‘Leo’, so to have as boring a name as Ro? He must be hiding something.  In fact I’ve done a little digging and found records of an old adventurer rogue that went by the name of Ro, could this be him?  It would certainly explain how he managed to afford the asking price of some of his members! Who know’s what treasure he has stashed away from those days??

Next is Lady Celestia Historia, and I know what you’re thinking and yes, that is the same Historia family that has been subject of this column numerous times in the past.  Celestia had managed to escape my notice up to this point, are the Historia’s ashamed of her existence because of being a half-elf?  The product of an illegitimate bonding between one of their explorers and a poor native girl perhaps?  Interestingly, when asked why a Historia would join a guild away from her family, she refused to comment.  Maybe the Historias are coming out of their isolation to profit on the untold potential of a bustling cosmopolitan city such as our fair Sigil?  I’ll be keeping a close eye on her to find out more, but not only that- she apparently has some great fashion sense too! Noticing the lack of stars in Sigil’s sky, her fashion seeks to bring the stars with her wherever she goes.  If you’ve heard of stars but never had the opportunity to leave this fine city, gazing upon her wardrobe looks to be the next best thing!

The other high-profile name to join this guild of bounty hunters is Friedrich von Gutermuth, and instantly I see why they chose the name.  The von Gutermuths are no stranger to us, and indeed Friedrich himself has made an appearance in here a few times; building their reputation on ‘cleansing’ the planes of ‘undesirables’, notably vampires and demons, it is said the von Gutermuths have powers of charisma that would be considered almost vampiric themselves.  Priding themselves on what they call an ‘Unquenchable Flame of Life’, they have an almost supernatural ability to counter even the most persuasive vampire’s gaze.  Whilst always quick to shoot down accusations of prejudice, the von Gutermuths often resurface as the subject of rumours on whether their targets and methods could really be called ‘justice’.  One thing that can’t be disputed though is Friedrich’s ‘killer’ attire! The long coat and crossbow look is really popular right now with the increased interest in Ravenloft, and even when not stalking his prey he’s been spotted at the Fortune’s Wheel looking right at home amongst the nobility.

Which brings us to Trevor ‘Trev’ Trevalyn, the handsome rogue of the group.  You may have seen him around various locales in the city ‘plucking his lute and blowing his flute’ (if you know what I mean), and everything this guy does just exudes an aura of coolness.  His past is shrouded in mystery, but that’s just to keep us ladies (or perhaps even men) interested, right? When my colleague was trying to approach Trev for interview he commented ‘Ach, he’s never where you expect him to be, and certainly gets around a lot… Probably unrelated but when I eventually caught up with him my pocket watch went missing as well’.  I must admit to liking a man who’s quick with his hands, and able to evade the tenacity of Yotek!  I asked my colleague if he discovered anything about the scoundrel’s marital status, of course purely out of interest for you, my readers…  ‘Well he was hanging around a Drow lady-‘ say no more! Even my craziness can’t compete with that of a drow! Still, if I should stumble into him during one of his performances and we should lock eyes…

Moving on!  The final member of the guild is a young Tiefling named Kazuko, or apparently ‘Kazzy’ to her friends.  What’s so special about another Tiefling in Sigil, I hear you ask? Well as is well known, most tieflings are unfortunately controlled by their ancestors- whether a desire to embrace their heritage and use their powers for mischief, or prove that they’re better than their bloodline and live honest lives.  It seems that Kazzy takes the latter to the extreme, having taken the path of monkhood!  And I’m not even talking of the Order of the Long Death, as when asked by my colleague she said she was doing this for the good of the people!  There’s being apologetic for the sins of your father, but Kazzy darling, I think you’re taking this far too seriously!  Lighten up!  No-one can be as rigid as that, so just between you and I, dear readers, we’re going to see what Kazzy’s like behind closed doors- find what makes her tick, what she does for fun because everyone needs a little fun in their lives!  We’ll have to be careful though; when we asked if she had any words for you, our readers, she replied with the bold statement: ‘I Don’t Like You.’ Oh dear, Kazzy! What are we going to do with you??

That’s all for today, darlings!  Stay out of trouble, but remember, if you can’t be good be scandalous 😉

Correction: It has been brought to our attention that there’s another guild member my colleague overlooked, an elf by the name of Lewyn.  All we currently know is that he has an insane and possibly dangerous badger, but if we find anything interesting about him you’ll be sure to see it in our next issue!